Ode To Bill

I wander 'round aimlessly the grounds of Caltech;
Distracted by thoughts of my tiny paycheck.
What's that I spy, lying under that tree?
Is that motionless lump a body, maybe?

Terror and anguish rush all through my head
For this man before me surely is dead
Lying here rumpled, so lifeless and still
But lo - he's alive, just napping, it's Bill!

The question, about which half the world thinks,
Is "What's with the gallons of coffee Bill Drinks?"
Is it his need for a good diuretic?
Or something to make him so hyperkinetic?

The pacing, the laughing, it's almost too much
But oh, that beret - dare ye not touch!
There's many a quandary 'bout what's under there,
There's even a few that suspect that it's hair.

I move in close, there's no one in sight, 
I yank it off and am blinded by light
I try to focus, what's that I see
Tattooed on his head, Happy Birthday to Me